I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
