i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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