I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
