You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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