I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I want to fling myself into the sun
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
God I need to hump something, right now.
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