are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
