my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
