Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
