I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
