anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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