I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
