I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
