My sheets look like a crime scene.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
