I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
