Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
