You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
