I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
