I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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