so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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