So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
