it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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