Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I got inside last night via doggy door
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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