Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
