Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
