I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Drunk walkin through police station. America
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
