my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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