dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I deserve this hangover.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
