There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
