I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
