dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
