See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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