Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
