The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
