stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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