I have demons in me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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