I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
