WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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