Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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