I wish my penis had an off switch
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
