Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
