Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
