"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
