new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
