I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
