I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
