Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
