Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
