The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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