im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
