Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
