Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
