Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
