she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
