The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just invented taco cereal.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
