The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
false alarm, still single
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize