threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
