he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and she was petting her beer can
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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